you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
