ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
