I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
