apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
