I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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