While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I love having hate sex.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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