I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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