make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
