You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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