My cat gives me a boner
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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