I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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