I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
