Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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