im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
