I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
