I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's get the cat blown out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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