dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
