I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
