I smell stomach acid.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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