why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
