Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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