you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize