I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
