I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
