I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Someone signed my nipple.
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