I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
