well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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