PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
