My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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