im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize