So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
