My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
