My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
