I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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