Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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