my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
