I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
