i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
