do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
