I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
