I wish I could teleport
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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