I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
