Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
