I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm too high and old for this...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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