Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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