it hurts more in the daytime
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize