i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize