So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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