he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize