since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
