Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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