Someone shit on the floor
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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