I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Im part way to drunk.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
