I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize