You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
